So, about that poll
First, thanks for sharing. A couple surprises:
1) Sometimes it's fun to be reminded that you tend to associate with people that share similar values. It's hard for me to remember that, yes, I'm not always as alone in my thoughts on Big Issues as I often feel, and this was no different. I highly doubt a more scientific poll would peg 36% of people as agnostic or atheist, and even that number feels somewhat deflated considering my Catholic schooling and the chances that a good number of people I know from there may have voted (or, conversely, may not have).
2) Along the same lines, the tolerance numbers surprised me more than I thought. I assume people were being honest, but the tolerance issue is what most recently prompted the poll. Not to say I'm disappointed, because I'm not, but...well, I'll get there.
This actually all started due to a discussion w/![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
civic_oracle in another community, discussing the concepts of various perceptions of social priveleges. At one point, I had pointed out that I'm in a pretty interesting spot, having been a conservative in Massachusetts who doesn't believe in God. It got me thinking a bit more when I started looking at support groups for family members of Alzheimer's sufferers - one was at a church, and when I called them for more information, I asked how much the religious aspect was pushed and they said it was pretty critical, which isn't something I could honestly deal with on top of trying to muddle my way through everything else. Of course, with only one other group that I can't join, I'm shit out of luck, but that prompted a bigger eternal battle.
...(and this is where it's going to get jumbled, but I'm just writing at this point)...
First, I don't see my point of view on these issues changing - it took me a long time to get comfortable with the concept of not only being okay with not being religious, but being comfortable with being open about it and honest to myself. It's hard, very hard - I went to Catholic school my whole life, my immediate family was religious enough and I have lay clergy in my extended family, most of my close friends are largely religious to various degrees, and I subscribe to a political ideology that largely attracts religious figures and believers.
That's a lot to take in, and a lot to actively let go of.
Considering the very real internal battles I had - (and the following is strictly my opinion, and is not a judgement on anyone else's beliefs) - considering it was a very difficult decision to not get confirmed (possibly my first real ethical/moral/principled stand) in high school to my very real possibility of becoming a monk, it's something that never truly escapes me, even if I've moved on from not being sure (probably out of fear - a Pascal's Wager situation) to not allowing 20 years of relative indoctrination to govern the rest of a mind committed to logic and reason. Even in the last couple months, something that I can't prove and something that I can't relate to continues to shake my mental foundation more than a lot of other things. It's weird.
So I've been reading a lot of late, and the publishing topic du jour is books on atheism. There's the Christopher Hitchens approach (God sucks, religion sucks, and people's lives are miserable because of it), the Richard Dawkins approach (I'm a scientist who cannot believe in God due to X, Y, and Z), and a lot of books in between that I've skimmed but can't bother with much more. Having not been exposed to anything resembling academic atheism (and while I'd struggle to call the Hitchens book academic, Dawkins at least takes that approach), it's an interesting thing to read for me - for the first time in my life, I can actually hear some logical arguments beyond the ones I have to set up for myself.
The problem? I don't really like a lot of atheists.
Hitchens gets a pass on this one, because I enjoy him because he's a curmudgeon, but when I look at more, for lack of a better term, populist atheism, there's a lot of hatred involved. Hateful, self-important, egoistic ranting about how people who believe that some Invisible Man created everything are uneducated buffoons, or light-hearted but still uncomfortable poking and prodding, from stuff like the Flying Spaghetti Monster to other types of things. It runs the gamut, and it doesn't exactly make me comfortable.
In my extended family, I have some relatives now who are very, very religious. A type of religious I'm ultimately uncomfortable with at this stage of my personal development. They're also incredibly intelligent and wonderful people, which is great. This is not to say that my religious friends I have now (who I honestly know better than this group at this point) are not intelligent and wonderful, but this takes it to a different level than my two closest friends who I'd consider religious. I'd love to pick their brain and find out what brings them to this point, why they believe what they believe, etc. I know religious people who have turned to God because of personal struggles, or are because that's how they were brought up, but I haven't personally encountered folks who are strong believers who also are making strides to dedicate their lives to it, and who are semi-consistent prescences in my life.
The issue with this, however, is that I feel like one of those populist atheists I'm so bothered by. It's not to the point where I'm handing out literature or openly mocking them - I'm fine with people believing what they believe as a matter of personal serenity, but I won't lie - I don't get it and it causes a visceral, immediate reaction in my mind that's hard to shake. Sure, it's easy for me to move past it for people I've known for years and years, from my best friends to more distant ones, but that reaction when I meet someone new is hard to shake, and one I'm pretty damned ashamed of.
It's two-sided, though. I know there are likely evangelical types that are likely disgusted that folks like me exist - that I can't realistically be "saved" or whatever. I also know that there are probably people who read this who will be disgusted by me, and I can think of one person who could read this and be very disappointed, even though I still deeply admire nearly everything about him. But it's extremely tough to balance out - I can accept what you want to believe as long as it's not actively hurting anyone, but I'm going to struggle to accept that you believe it, especially if I otherwise respect your intelligence.
It's hard.
Atheism is interesting in practice, and I'm wondering if the 9 others who voted feel a similar pull - whether it be the initial reactions or the occasional loneliness that this type of thinking tends to harvest in me. It's equally funny to me, as I'm someone who's ultimately come to not care about what people generally think of me, as long as it's based on an accurate examination, but that I'd be so bothered by the inability to "belong" in this sort of instance. Whether it's to not feel "alone," or to get that piece of confirmation in a nation where only 6% of people feel the same way. In some ways, I'm not alone in my confliction, but it still feels like it. Is it something I can up and reveal in mixed company? Am I giving the benefit of the doubt in a way I won't get in return? I don't know.
I don't.
I want to know, though.
This is all over the place, and I apologise for that. But so's my mind - I'm a guy who can't fathom a "higher power," yet has deep respect for people who can dedicate their entire lives to it, even though he's not immediately okay with seeing it happen with otherwise intelligent people. It's a dichotomy that I'm still struggling with, and can't quite figure out. Go figure.
